2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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