...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
