So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
