I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
