oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
