mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
