How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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