Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
