i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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