Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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