So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
