I have demons in me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
