nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
