I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
