What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
