i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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