Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
