at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
