i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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