my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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