Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
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