I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
