somebody snuck up and got me drunk
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
