pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
