I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
