I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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