my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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