Three words: puerto rican gang bang
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
