Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
