my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Come on in and take your pants off
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