im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
