The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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