he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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