u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
