ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
