that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
