So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
