weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This toilet bowl is my home.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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