I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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