U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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