Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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