Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
