Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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