Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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