So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Enjoy the penises
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
