I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
