i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I AM VODKA MAN
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
