Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
