I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
