What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
