So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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